Did you say “No?”
I’ve never liked being told “no.” I have many childhood memories of being told no, rejecting that response, and getting my way to “yes.” On my 7th birthday, I asked my Mom if I could go to the Boy’s Club and swim in their indoor pool. She said “no” and wouldn’t explain why. I was confused, disappointed, and angry. Since she wouldn’t explain why, I decided she left me with no choice other than to swim without her permission. The “why” to a person’s decision continues to be important to me today. I told my Mom I was going outside to play and she said “I want you back inside in 30 minutes.” We lived in a bright pink apartment building, four stories high, in a lower income neighborhood with a run down bar on the street. I didn’t feel safe on the neighborhood streets - uncertain of its danger - or maybe it was the fear my Mom instilled in me.
On this day, real or perceived danger and a “no” weren’t going to get in my way. Walking briskly, I took a left down the street, a quick right, and marched up the hill to the Boy’s Club. I walked right through the doors, didn’t speak to anyone, and went directly to the pool area. I spoke to the man in charge and shared that it was my birthday and that I wanted to swim but didn’t have a bathing suit. He found me a bathing suit and I plunged into that pool. I just remember swimming - feeling happiness, joy, and pride. I made my birthday wish happen. It also isn’t lost on me that I was the only girl in the “Boy’s Club.” An embedded “no” that I was also challenging.
I only had 30 minutes, so my time in the pool was quick. I got dressed, returned the bathing suit, and didn’t dry my hair. I walked back down that hill, climbed the three flights of stairs to our apartment, pool water streaming down golden hair. When my mother saw me, she said “Mary Elizabeth, where have you been?” I told her what I had done. She was mad. No doubt, I got punished. I don’t remember. I had already made a deal with myself that I’d take whatever punishment I got so I could swim in that pool. Even as a child, when something was important to me, I’d take on whatever consequences associated with making it happen.
Now, that rebellious young girl is still with me. I still hate to be told “no,” immediately want to rebel, and experience a range of emotions. While all this is happening, my brain starts working overtime on how to make that “no” into a “yes.” It’s an auto-response.
When I made the decision to be an entrepreneur, I knew “no” was going to be part of the game. For a long time, I’ve believed that “no” sometimes means “no,” sometimes means “not now,” sometimes means there is something to learn, or sometimes means “not with you.” Well, I am living that belief daily. As an entrepreneur, I still experience “no.” It’s hard not to take it personally or think there is something wrong with me or that somehow I’m not good enough. All that blah, blah, blah of self-deprecation. All that blah, blah, blah turning into procrastination, deleted emails, deleted posts — actions that dim my light, dim my belief in myself.
Knowing I never want to just take a “no” on the chin or dim my light, here are a few of the ways I get to “YES” and overcome that blah, blah, blah.
Know what is important to you and why. As an entrepreneur, freedom/flexibility, social justice, and financial stability are my guideposts. Before going after a piece of work, I ask myself “where does this work sit in these three things? Is it aligned? Do I pursue, pass, or adjust my approach?” I proactively create my own “no.” It is more empowering place to be - one you can have control over. This isn’t about saying “no” because you are afraid. This is about saying “no” because it doesn’t fit with what you want, believe in, and your values. It also increases the “yes” because you are going after the right type of work.
Know when to learn from a “no” and when to let it go. I recently competed for a piece of business. It was a new process for me - learning and doing at the same time. I was uncertain if I wanted the business, never felt quite right, but regardless I wanted to learn from the process. I didn’t get it, which stung a bit (I play to win), yet I learned a lot. I asked for feedback, got it, and agreed with it. I walked away from the experience feeling gratitude, knowing my next pitch would be better, and able to let the rejection go.
Know who your people are. Surround yourself with loving, affirming, caring people, podcasts, books, Those who believe in you, remind you of your greatness, and help you to circumvent and overcome barriers. They hold you accountable for being your best self. Two weeks after starting my business, a friend and prior colleague, awarded me my first piece of business - my first “yes.” Most of my business comes from people in my network. Know who is in it with you - those who help you achieve your dreams!
In closing, know your “WHY!” It will guide you in making, accepting, learning, and rebelling decisions. Here’s to swimming from “NO” to “YES!”
